An Open Letter to the Asshole Terrorists Who Attacked Charlie Hebdo Weekly

Dear The Terrorists Who Attacked Charlie Hebdo Weekly,

 Hi. I’m an American comedian. I have been on countless stages in front of rooms both full and empty, and have said and done any number of things that in polite company I’d probably not do, all in pursuit of a laugh, because that’s what comedians do. We make people laugh. I don’t know if someone who can so brazenly gun down twelve people over satire understands the concept of comedy, so let me just give you a quick two-cent primer on it, yeah?

Comedy is the art of taking truth and distilling it into something that surprises the audience so much it elicits spontaneous outbursts of audible enjoyment. Laughs. There’s a funny thing about comedy though; laughs don’t come from lies. It’s true. Anything that’s truly, utterly hilarious on a multi-cultural and generational level has to be rooted in a universal truth, because those universal truths are what bind us all together. Dick and fart jokes are knocked by some of the more pretentious and puritanical among us, but there’s a good reason they’re funny and written to this day — we all fart and we all have dicks. Well, okay, some of us have lady dicks, but you get my point.

You can’t escape the fact that truth is the nugget of gold buried under every single, solitary funny joke. Hell, even the jokes that don’t laughs are good if they come from a place of truth. The truth shall set you free, as it were. Perhaps, then, that’s why you callous, cowardly, automatic weapon brandishing douche-willows decided to attack Charlie Hebdo Weekly because the artists there dared to speak the truth about certain elements of the Islamic faith. It’s not ironic therefore, that it was the very people that they were satirizing for their apparent lack of desire to join the 21st century would attack them in such a barbaric and cowardly way.

No, the real irony in all of this is that it’s you who are giving satiristas all over the world ammunition for comedic material. I would never argue that the West hasn’t behaved in some very questionable, and downright illegal and immoral ways. But where I come from two wrongs still don’t make a right, and you don’t break down an image of being violent, barbaric people by acting like violent, barbaric people. In fact, the people you must think you’re fighting for — average Muslims — must hate your guts because you are a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And let’s face it, assholes, the people from the West who have mistreated you and played games of thrones with your leaders against your will, all the while blaring out rhetoric about self-governance and democracy…aren’t comedians. You shouldn’t be murdering anyone but it says an awful lot about someone who takes their beef with a government out on artists. You didn’t even attack a consular building of a western government that you think has been oppressive to your people. No, you attacked smart, intellectually savvy people who actually deep-down likely sympathize with you on a visceral, human level and understand the deeply-woven tapestry of misdeeds perpetrated on all sides of this terror game you play.

It’s not like I would have felt you attacking the U.S. embassy in France would have been justified, but at least it would have been a lashing out against people who you could say you had a real beef with. The U.S. government, my country’s government, has most definitely dabbled and dipped its dick into the mashed potatoes of far too many countries, and while your idea of how the world work is bullshit no matter what, it’s clear that you’re just children, throwing tantrums with automatic weapons and directing them at people who simply had no fear in pointing out the hypocrisies and mind-bending violence people like you breed in the world.

So Charlie Hebdo mocked your religion? Tough shit, buttercup. You live in 2015, are of an adult age and still worship an invisible deity in the sky. In an age where we have telescopes taking pictures in high-definition of literal star factories in space that are 6,500 light years away, you are bitterly clinging to a view of not just the world, but the universe — universes perhaps — that doesn’t jive with all the collective knowledge and wisdom our species has acquired in the last couple centuries. That alone is worth a little ribbing, don’t you think? But you take it to a whole other level of murderous derpitude and therefore you invite not just light ribbing, but actual, honest to Dog mocking. Vicious and surgically-targeted mocking.

I’m not one to equivocate, and I’m not saying that the Christian faith doesn’t have its violent, abortion clinic bombing assholes in it. Hell, I’m not even saying that on an existential level you and they don’t have more in common than you’d care to admit. However, when I run a series of memes called “Republican Jesus” I don’t worry that some half-cocked moron is going to put a bullet in my brain and murder my children for it. We’re not the problem, comedians aren’t the issue here. It’s violent sociopaths brainwashed into thinking their Invisible Friend is going to give them dozens of virgins to fuck after they carry out a suicide bombing. It’s those same violent sociopaths turning AKs on innocent people that’s the problem — and yes, comedians who mock your religion savagely are still innocent people.

You can’t murder people for printing an image of your prophet and claim any moral high ground at all. Being a comedian should not be a profession where you take your life in your own hands. My only wish is that I could be there with you as you leave this mortal coil, as you certainly do some day. I’m not saying I want you killed either; I actually believe in trials and due process…even for blood thirsty, backwards religious zealots who don’t deserve the air they breathe or the water they drink. I just wish I could see the look on your “face” as you die and realize that there aren’t any virgins waiting for you, just nothingness. Which is fitting.

Because you’re nothing people. Nothing people fight back against words with guns and bombs and bullets. Adults talk. Or hey, here’s an idea, go take some classes in comedy writing, and then mock French satirical comedians. I mean, come on assholes, they’re French Satirical Comedians. The material writes itself. You could have had an epic flame war with them on Twitter, but instead you got all fundie fuckface on it and wound up being the subject of an international manhunt.

To me though, the real bummer in all of this is for the millions and millions and millions of Islamic people who are disgusted by you and your ilk. They are the ones who have to come to grips with the fact that you are dragging their religion into a Dark Ages of sorts. Your jihads and fatwas are no different than the inquisitions and crusades. You’re trying to purify the land for true believers, carrying out your genocide one barbaric event at a time. I hope that some day in the future those millions upon millions of people find a way to snuff your voice out, or at least relegate you to the same place we put the Westboro Baptist Church and the KKK in. It won’t be easy, but it’s the only way this has to go down. Ideologies of hatred and antiquity die hard in the light of modernity after all.

Oh, and I didn’t want to leave you without an image of my own, that I created. Don’t worry everyone, I like my head where it is and my wife and kids not dead, so it’s not a picture of any person long dead who allegedly had magical powers to talk to Sky People. But it’s an image I want to share with the attackers nonetheless, and I think it sums up perfectly how I feel the whole world should react to them, once their barbaric asses are behind bars for the rest of their lives.



James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.

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